Van Heusen Sounds Like This Picture Looks

It's Friday, post-lunch, and you're all antsy to do something besides work. I am in a burrito-induced coma, having inhaled the whole thing at my desk so I could get a post up in time for the "traffic jam" And I Am Not Lying, For Real experiences daily between 2 and 4 pm.

Here's a bit of DC news, first of all:

The tremendous and hilarious Van Heusen will be channeling danceable metal thunder at the 9:30 Club Saturday, October 30th, opening for Super Diamond. They take you back to a magical time when hair had meaning and I was in grade school...the last time I saw them play, Dave Pollock/David Lee Roth (link goes to his site, incredible artwork) was wearing the nastiest skintight pair of white pants in the world. The waistband and the base of Dave's cock met at the same sweat-soaked place on his body...he seriously kept pausing between songs to fix his wig and shift his package around. That in and of itself was hilarious, but with Caselli's flawless renderings of Eruption in the background I nearly lost my mind. Jawdropping. Be there.

This phone call totally evokes the spirit of ancient Van Halen, Napoleon Dynamite, and this post--pure hilarious fuckwittery. I nearly shot black beans through my nose.

And really, what's happening here?I found the page on my way through David Rees' website. Rees does Get Your War on, a comic strip so amazing and influential on me personally that I have already linked to it like 800 times on this blog. Look at this, and just keep reading the advertisements. It's the most hilarious, fucked up advertising I have ever seen, and I can't even tell if it's for real or not.

I gotta go. I gotta go to the bathroom. I want to read something, but I can't be seen taking reading material into the bathroom. Some brave souls do, but they leave it right on the floor. It does look weird, carrying reading material out of the bathroom at work. You may as well just stand on a nearby chair and announce that you just dropped one off.

If I could have taken these into the bathroom, I would have:
1)Hunter S. Thompson's take on this year's election.
2) This story about a guy who actually deposited and cleared a bogus junk-mail check.

Sometimes people leave articles about sports printed off the web on the men's room floor. Sneaky sneaky, because they totally look like real important documents on the way in. One time I found the Express (free Washington Post digest) on the floor. Score!!! Another time, someone had jammed a copy of the Economist into the top of the paper towel bin. I stood there looking at it forever, trying to decide if pulling it out of a pile of mostly dry-ish paper towels and reading it on the can was nasty or not. Then someone walked in and I had to just leave or else be that weird dude in the bathroom.

Okay, I gotta go and I am not lying.

posted by Jeff Simmermon @ 1:49 PM