I'd Like to Thank the Academy

First of all, I ‘d like to thank the Academy for this award tonight – the Academy and, of course, Professor Reginald Washington of Martin University for his wonderful, wonderful invention which has ushered a new age of creativity and celebrity-making, making it possible for more amazing stories to be told than ever before.

Before Dr. Washington’s invention, ordinary, average-looking people had to spend hours alone, sequestered away in dark little rooms behind keyboards and monitors, obsessively writing and rewriting their lives into stories that mirrored classic story arcs and the three-act screenplay.

Back in those primeval days, people used to sacrifices great swaths of their lives to glowing electronic gods, furtively burning their time on earth alone to create their life’s work. Ordinary schlubs with slow metabolisms cursed the sunshine for making them wish they were outdoors as they gulped sandwiches over the sink in their all-too brief breaks from the only work that fulfilled them.

There were two kinds of work back then – work we did for money, and the work we did for our own creative peace. The work we did for creative peace was usually harder than the work we did for money, although that was no walk in the park either.

Creative work was more demanding because it seeped into our own moments of pleasure, forcing us to obsessively document our every experience for “source material.” You’d be unwrapping a Christmas present or snipping your firstborn’s umbilicus and think “I should be writing this down. I could be writing right now.”

That was before Dr Washington’s miracle machine. Thanks to Washington and his team of tireless, brilliant researchers who lobotomized entire species of primates to make the cerebral story extractor possible, none of us need ever miss a sunset or type a weekend away ever again.

Now all we need to do is strap the device snugly around our temples, making sure the cable is plugged into our laptops and the appropriate software is open. By merely selecting the appropriate story filter (album, blog, screenplay, novel) and saying “I should really write this down” while visualizing a key scene from the story, the Cerebral Story Extractor will actually translate your subconscious desires into a palatable, exciting story that can thrill the world – but is nevertheless unique and very much your own.

We can all relax now – and our economy itself is changing to reflect that. We are all fat and happy off of royalties from our own stories, and have all the time in the world to relax and consume the stories of others. There is but one danger: now that we are a nation of simultaneous story creators and producers, we risk reaching a creative event-horizon… where all stories are told by people who have only consumed stories all day long themselves without ever living.

This seems dangerous, but is of little importance now. Once we get closer to the unified story feedback loop, we’ll figure out what to do and do it in a timely fashion. If we did it with the polar icecaps, certainly we can do it with other, more important aspects of our lives.

Thank you all again, good night, and please row safely on your way home.

posted by Jeff Simmermon @ 12:45 AM