Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Nastiest Thing in the Whole Wide World

My apartment has had an incurable cockroach problem for some time. When the exterminator comes they just move out for a few days, leaving only the slowest and stupidest ones to perish in clouds of ineffective poison. Then they all come back and keep on partying.

I should have known this. I really should have. But the exterminator had come recently and things had really quieted down in the kitchen. So when I left that peanut butter jar to soak so I could wash and recycle it easily, it was with a peace of mind that was naive, shallow, and short-lived.

When I came back home later that day, I was treated to an experience so revolting and pure that I was almost excited. The sight on my kitchen counter, in that jar full of peanut butter water, may well be the nastiest thing in the whole wide world.

I spend a lot of time online, and I've got a dark sense of humor. My friends and I all have squalid, feral senses of humor and sit around being super-gross every chance we get. So the bar's pretty high, is what I'm saying here. Goatse is old hat, and we're all a little desensitized by now.

To stumble across something that clears that bar and busts the filters, making the stomach do a slow roll like a lazy whale heading for the surface -- it's almost refreshing, fulfilling like a new sensation or long-forgotten song. It's like hearing the Spin Doctors on the radio and then following it with Zeppellin. You always knew Zeppelin was awesome, but man, in comparison!

A long- dead disgust waking up -- or a feeling of pure revulsion -- really makes you take notice. The moment itself is awful, but you get a sense of clarity and keen appreciation for life and beauty. Once the moment passes, the air is so clean, and flowers smell so sweet.

So take a look at this picture if you like, and see if your day doesn't improve immediately after:
Six dead cockroaches, drowned in peanut butter water.

Isn't everything so beautiful and pure now?

17 Comments:

At 2:59 PM, Blogger honeykbee said...

See? Recycling is bad.

 
At 3:04 PM, Anonymous alysse said...

the phrase "peanut butter water" is enough for me

 
At 4:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gyaaagh! You fixed it before I could pick on you about your funky math skills.

Next time... Yes. Next time all your errors will be mine! MINE! Bwaaahhaha!

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger Paul said...

What?

 
At 10:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Quit complaining! You solved your ineffective extermination problem!

 
At 12:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, Paul. Originally, the link said that there were seven dead roaches, and I was looking forward to using it as a metaphor for Jeff's pursuit of a "pure" existence by tying it together with the seven deadly sins and the fact that he conquered them in one fell swoop with a jar of peanut-butter water.

With six, I got nothing. One less dead bug, and we'd have a hell of a good Jackson Five joke. However, as it stands, there's just nothing funny about six dead cockroaches in a jar of peanut-butter water.

 
At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Sweet said...

Lovely, simply lovely.

 
At 4:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honestly, the photo from your last post, the closeup of sausages in brown liquid, grossed me out more than the roaches did. Maybe I was more prepared when I clicked on the link this time.
-Katie

 
At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That wasn't so gross, I was expecting much worse after the goatse comment. And it appears to be a better solution to the roach problem than the "exterminator"

 
At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Note to self: Stop checking out the picture while eating.

 
At 11:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ewwwwwwww.


Yet still so impressive.

 
At 1:32 AM, Anonymous D said...

Man...considering the way you hyped(for lack of a better word) that picture...it was pretty mild. No no no..."mild" is an understatement. Thats one of the least shocking and/or disgusting image I've ever seen on the internet. I've seen jars with bugs floating in them before...nothing special. Meh...perhaps it's because I grew up on a farm...Once you've gotten used to seeing buckets of chicken shit with large maggots basically churning(once again FLOABW) it I suppose nothing can really gross you out. Honestly, though, I think that picture is just lame...as are you for being grossed out by it more than Goatse...you sick fuck. :P

 
At 9:03 AM, Blogger Jeff Simmermon said...

I think the difference here is that Goatse is a picture on the internet This, for me, was something on my kitchen counter that happened overnight -- while I slept in the next room.

 
At 1:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

and god said so mets

 
At 5:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ive seen worse, as in,

www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Offended

 
At 10:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Offended now that will show u what grose is trust me

 
At 10:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Offended now that will show u what grose is trust me

 

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