Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Open Letter to the Important Guy from Down the Hall

I see you in the bathroom in my office every afternoon at about four o'clock. I think we're on the same cycle that way. I think you're a VIP in your company judging from the deferential reverence in younger men's voices as they talk to you at the sinks and urinals. You respond to in clipped, quick sentences. It's obvious that your words are almost as precious as your time, and given just as sparingly. You've got decisions to make, places to be, and barely enough time to take lunch.

This afternoon you strode purposefully into the bathroom, robotically munching Cheez-Its from a little bag. Without wasting a single motion, you unzipped, pulled EVERYTHING out and started pissing away a good two feet from the toilet -- using both free hands to keep eating those Cheez-Its.

If you're that busy, you're in heart attack territory, man. And then where will you be? Dead on the floor, lying in a puddle with your piece out and Cheez-its on your lips. That's no way for a man of industry to go.

Going to the bathroom is important, and so is snacking. Nobody is so important that they have to do both simultaneously. That's not efficient, it's just nasty.

Take a little time to taste the Cheez-its. Get outside, get a little air, some sunshine. You're building a world and that's great, but take some time to enjoy the world you're in. It's a hell of a mess, but there's some beautiful stuff if you stop and look.

Take care, man. Take care.

--Jeff

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5 Comments:

At 8:36 PM, Blogger E :) said...

I don't know whether I'm going to laugh or throw up after reading that.

 
At 10:49 AM, Blogger del said...

OMGoodness, that was funny. And gross! As a woman, I had no idea the things that go on in the men's restroom. Thanks for the enlightenment.

 
At 10:51 AM, Anonymous suicide_blond said...

i guess..when ya put it like that...
im glad we are forced to sit..
xoxo

 
At 4:36 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Meh... In my part of the world, it's not all that uncommon to walk into the bathroom to find some guy passed out on the floor with his junk hanging out and a face full of chips.

In your case, however, just be thankful the man didn't look to you and say "Hey! Can you hold this for me," and NOT hand you the bag of Cheez-its.

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger Braving the Arirang said...

haha, that was freakin' hilarious. And gross, I second/third/fourth everyone else.

Hope that he washed his hands before he left... ugh.

 

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